Hi Reader Welcome back,

In Letter #12 I shared how setting boundaries has its benefits and repercussions. Once you set boundaries not only are you scaling down, but you are regaining control of your personal space, time and life.

After taking another look at the last letter, I realized I did not share the link to the Psychology Today quick survey on boundaries. Here is the link, Click for Test. When you have a moment take the test and see where you show up on the list. Please note that this survey is not a full representation and it's just a resource to get you started in your evaluation process with regards to your setting boundaries journey. If at any point you feel you need additional resources because you are truly struggling with setting boundaries, feel free to reach out to me. Either myself or one of my resource partners can be available to assist depending on where you are now and what you are looking to accomplish.

If you haven't had the time to read the last letter, click on monthly letter archives to catch up.

Are you ready for this months letter? Hope you are, it's a long letter. I am truly excited about this letter because it involves bringing you ideas, tips, resources, and so much more.

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Letter #13

Today's letter is an extension of setting boundaries. Over the course of 2 years most of my conversations have been about setting boundaries. I cannot say that I have mastered this, but I have discovered ways to set them and maintain them within the control I possess. Simply said, there are so many things that are outside of our control that we can only control what's within our means. The best thing when approaching boundaries is to take small steps. I will share some of the tips I have found to be useful when setting boundaries.

In my last letter I mentioned that setting clear expectations was a big element to setting boundaries. Here is a bit more about it.

• Setting expectations is defined as a way to establish standards, goals and performance levels that are required or anticipated for a specific situation, task or relationship. When there is a misalignment of your hopes, beliefs or desires this often can lead into impacting your emotional state when the expectation is not met. In essence this is about how to proactively shape the way others perceive and interact with you, rather than allowing them to define you based on limited information. It's about establishing a foundation of mutual respect and understanding that allow for more authentic and fulfilling connections.

So how is setting expectation different than setting boundaries?

• While boundaries come from our internal reflections, it focuses on our individual needs within our control. Whereby expectations are external, creating the focus on the behaviors and actions of others which is not within our control. Expectations can set you up for failure if not approached correctly.
• As mentioned in Simply Psychology, "boundaries protect your well-being, safety and give you a sense of control and choice. While expectations are idealistic and often vague and rely on the other person to do what you desire. Therefore, if not managed properly, expectations can leave you feeling powerless and at the mercy of others."

Did that make you feel powerless just reading it? Have you ever found yourself in a place where you feel powerless or at the mercy of others? I know I have. It didn't feel great and it consumed my energy leaving me emotionally drained.

"While it's normal to have expectations, try shifting your focus away from "should" and more towards "what do I want?" and "What will I tolerate or not tolerate?" Simply Psychology

When setting expectations based on someone else's actions or reactions it can leave a bad taste in your mouth, and make you feel anger, resentment disappointed, misunderstanding and mistrust. Expectations should not be based on facts, they are an outward projection of your desires which can lead to expectations that are unrealistic.

So are you wondering what is the best way to set expectations? I got you, keep reading.

Before I share some useful tips, I would love to share one of my many past interactions with regards to setting unclear expectations and how I went from feeling bewildered and unprepared to successfully repositioning the hand that I was dealt.

In the beginning of my career as an event planner, while still in my learning the ropes, I soon realized how naive I was to believe that I knew exactly how a specific situation would play out. Even though it stumped me, it shaped the way I now set my expectations on a professional and personal level.

The scenario I will be sharing seemed to be out of my control. I handled the situation as best I could, but it wasn't until after the event was complete that I was able to learn how to properly set the expectations so I don't get caught off guard in the future.

Let's go back to 25 years ago, when the officiant of one of my first weddings, judged me and placed me in a box (fictitiously of course) without even meeting me. All because he thought that I was like other wedding planners who had left a bad impression on him. He directly informed the client, that he refused to work with me and that he will only communicate with them. He automatically refused to work, talk to, or even have any type of communications with me. His expectation was that I was like all of the rest, and because of that he did not want to deal with me. I was confused, disappointment and frustrated because I never imagined something like this coming from an officiant. The client felt terrible, and because I was a true professional, I told them not to worry. I did not want to make it a bigger deal than it already was. I did inform them of everything I needed to know about the details of the ceremony so I did not have to disturb them on the wedding day.

So you might be wondering how I moved ahead and if it impacted my work? Before transitioning into my event planning career I had several leadership roles in the corporate sector, which made dealing with this situation as professional as possible, in addition to me being a woman of faith. What really stumped me was that this situation was with an officiant. This was someone I never anticipated to see a judgmental act. Yes he's human, but I definitely did not expect to experience what I did.

Fast forward to the wedding. I let it play out. The client kept me abreast of the process, and they invited me to the rehearsal. I arrived, met the wedding party and when the rehearsal started, I remained in the back of the church where I watched everything and took the notes I needed for wedding day.

On wedding day I arrived at the church and remained in the foyer area where I waited for the wedding party to arrive. The officiant saw me in the foyer and came to say good morning. I said hello, followed by, I would remain in the foyer if he needed anything from me. He said ok and then went to get ready. When the wedding party arrived, I was about to assist them as needed, since the officiant was at the altar. Since it was a large wedding party, they did need some guidance.

So what is the moral of this story? Despite the fact that someone else set an expectation for me, I simply regrouped and managed to take control of the hand I was dealt so that it would not impact my clients wedding expectations or the expectations I have established for the services I provide and execute.

There's More: My final interaction with the officiant. After the wedding was over, and everyone had left, I needed to retrieve an item from altar area. The officiant approached me, to thanked me and apologized. He said, he prejudged me and he did not mean for it to come out the way it did. He explained that he had terrible experiences with other planners, and he noticed that I was nothing like them. I gave him the opportunity to speak, and after he was finished, I thanked him for apologizing and for acknowledging that I was different. I continued to tell him that although I was shocked and stunned by his request, I did not want to put my client through any hardship because they did not deserve to be placed in that type of situation. I informed him that although I am a professional and have the utmost respect for the church and officiants, I was quite dissatisfied that I was never given the chance to defend myself. In the future, I told him, I suggest he meet with planners, to determine whether there is a concern or not before passing judgement. He replied by saying, "that's a great idea", and that it was a true pleasure working with me and hopes to work with me again.

I know that I have shared a lot, this story left a lasting impression on me, still to this day. Based on this experience, before moving ahead with a client contract I like to have a conversation to set expectations on all levels. My expectations. The Clients expectations, as well as the expectations of any partners connected to the decision or execution of the wedding. This is key in order for them to understand my expectations and non-negotiables.

Here are a few ways to approach setting expectations?

• Define your expectations. Before proceeding you should self reflect on what expectations are important to you and how they align with your goals and vision.
• Communicate expectations clearly and early. When communicating use clear and measurable terms. Avoid vague language. We can sometimes fall into a vague space because we ourselves are not clear of the expectation. So go back to defining your expectations before moving ahead. Also setting the expectations early can help double the chances of success. I love setting clear expectations early, because its makes others and myself accountable for any misunderstanding.
• Prioritize expectations. Once you have defined the expectations, it is key to prioritize them with small achievable goals. This leads to a higher success rate.
• Keep expectations realistic. Are you asking too much from the situation? Is the person capable enough?
• Make the expectations clear for yourself. By gaining clarity with your expectations, this will let for better understanding when approaching mutual expectations. Don't get caught off guard by not setting yourself up for success.
• Anticipate change. When you don't, you can be setting yourself up for failure. Having a conversation shows flexibility. If it's your way or no way, then there will be sure be resistance and disappointment. Realistic flexibility is key. It has to make sense to all parties involved.
• Establish realistic timelines. Not everyone operates on the same time schedule as you, so make sure that during your conversation you discuss the outcomes and the approach, so you can create clear expectations.
• Tailor expectations. When setting expectations keep in mind that not everyone has the same skillsets as you. When you keep this in mind it helps you tailor the expectations by being flexible and open to change.
• Confirm understanding mutual expectations. If need be, get it in writing so mutual parties are in agreement with said expectations.
• Create periodic check-ins. If you keep consistently struggling with setting expectations or are constantly struggling to keep them, schedule some check ins for accountability.
• Positive mindset. Practicing positive thinking and focusing on the positive aspects of a situation can help cultivate patience.

There are two important key elements that I feel are the prime energy of setting realistic and clear expectations is PATIENCE and COMPASSION. This helps cultivate the ability to be calm and understanding when things don't reveal itself to be as initially anticipated.

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Here is a fun bonus. If you are inspired by visual activities, then Vision boarding or Mind mapping is a great and fun way to help set expectations.

• Mind Map. If you have not heard of mind mapping yet, you are missing out. There are so many different types. I suggest researching different tool options to see what works for you. Canva, has some great ones to start off with. What I love about mind map is that it provides a visual framework, and I am all about the visuals. It helps when setting your SMART goals.
• Vision board. This is a creative activity which involves gathering images and words to present desired goals allowing you to visualize and connect with the future desired outcomes.
• Journaling also works.

There are so many different ways you can set clear expectations. You just need to find what works best for you.

Before closing this months letter, I hope you gained either better or at last some clarity when it comes to setting expectations. Between now and the next letter, set some time to work on setting at least 2 - 3 expectations with regards to any situation, work or current projects you may be working on.

I would like to share why I am grateful at this very moment. I am grateful for you. I appreciate your continuous support as I share my monthly letters with you. I deeply appreciate the feedback I receive from my readers, whether in person, through email replies, or via messages on social media to share how my letters have touched you or made a positive impact on your day. Thank you again for welcoming me into your space at least once a month.

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Until next month. Click on the photo to tune in to my Inspired by Jacqueline Podcast.​

P.S. While I will not be back until next month, we can meet every week on my podcast or follow my journey via my Instagram's on @JV_NextLevel @LEBJV ​@ClassyJV ​@InspiredbyJacqueline​

P.S.S. Letter Archives: If you have missed the other letters, here's a cool feature I have created for you. The ARCHIVES https://www.catalystbridgeagency.com/monthly-letter-archive​

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Love, Hugs, and Kisses. xoxo

Jacqueline