Hi Welcome back,

Last months letter, on setting expectations, was an extension to the prior letter where I shared details regarding boundaries. Setting expectations is a reflection which focuses on the behaviors and actions of others which is not within our control, and can set you up for failure. Often to the point that makes you feel defeated.

Were you able to try some of the approaches to setting expectations? From establishing realistic timelines to periodic check ins? And for those who prefer visual activities, were you able to utilize one of the visual approaches like Mind mapping or Vision Board? There are so many different ways to set expectations, the key is to find what works for you.

If you haven't had the time to catch up on the prior letters, click on monthly letter archives to catch up.

Are you ready for this months letter? Hope you are, it's a long letter. I am truly excited about this letter because it involves bringing you ideas, tips, resources, and so much more.

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Letter #14

Today's letter is another extension of setting boundaries. R-E-P-E-R-C-U-S-S-I-O-N. In Letter #12 I shared an overview on the importance of setting boundaries. In Letter #13, I elaborated on setting clear expectations and how it's related to setting boundaries. In today's letter, I expand on some repercussions you may experience when you start setting both boundaries and expectations.

Who ever said that change or realignment is easy, they lied. Depending on what it is, the outcome may not be as drastic as others. But one thing for sure is that you will notice who was dependent on the way you used to do things because it was a benefit for them. That is when you tend to experience repercussion, whether positive or negative.

You might be thinking, repercussions shouldn't create a such a huge impact. And my reply to that is, there are many factors that can influence how intense the impact can be. For instance, poor communications of the boundary or expectation can potentially lead to conflict, isolation or even damaged relationships. So how can you gauge the level of impact once you are ready to realign and move ahead with establishing boundaries and expectations? Keep reading.

Two questions before I proceed:

• Are you in fear of making any changes because you know it will affect some of your relationships?
• Are you shying away from making changes because you are focused on how you will be perceived?

If you answered yes to either one of those two questions, your focus is more on others than on your well being, growth, and direction. And guess what? I have been there.

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The reason I have extended the conversation around setting boundaries and expectations is because I have been through the hurdles of being there for others' FIRST, of considering others' feelings FIRST, and putting others' priorities FIRST. And yes I have also experienced fear when it came to setting my boundaries and expectations. I feared that I would lose people, but then I realized how it was making me feel physically and mentally exhausted.

Now don't get me wrong. I still love to be there for others, but only when it doesn't interfere with my mental wellbeing, positive energy and my personal time for self care. As long as these three conditions are met, then I am present and willing to be there for others.

So as you analyze your reply to those two questions, ask yourself why shouldn't you prioritize yourself?

A few years ago I was consumed by decisions that needed to be made, but because of the fear of losing people close to me, I refrained from taking any action and I just kept on being their for them whenever they needed. I realized that the longer this went on, I became more frustrated, drained, disempowered, and more fear would overpower my decisions. But all of this came to an end, when it affected my way of thinking, my mental wellness, and I began to experience depressive episodes. At one point in my life, I've experienced depression to the point of almost not finding my way back. After this experience I promised myself to never go back to that dark place. This is why, anytime I experience a depressive episode of any kind, I make sure to pull myself back to reality and recognize that I need to reset and refocus.

So even though there could be some repercussions to shifting the way you do things, take control of your boundaries and reset the way you set expectations of others, so you can find a way to reinforce why the change is needed. Sometimes are past experiences can make setting boundaries or expectations difficult, but I am here to say it is possible. Simple steps, one at a time. And if you need support, there is support whether within your circle or outside of those you know, which I will share below.

Now let's turn repercussions into consequences you are willing to accept and won't interfere with your boundaries or expectations.

1. Relatable Consequence - the consequence relates to the behavior or actions that may interfere with your boundaries or expectations. For instance, if you share personal information with someone and they repeatedly share it without your permission, you might say, "I will not share anymore information until I feel comfortable that you can honor my privacy."
2. Natural Consequence - sometimes others may need to experience this consequence when they consistently engage in undesirable behaviors. For instance, when the person who shared your private information continues to do so, the natural consequence after #1 could be losing your relationship.

If the person learns anything from these two examples, and wants to continue the relationship, this would be the ideal opportunity to positively reinforce your personal boundaries and the expectations of this relationship, should you decide to move ahead. It is not the moment to scold them, it is the moment to show your grace and empathy.

Here are a few options if you need outside support or assistance in establishing your boundaries and finding clarity with regards to setting realistic expectations.

• ​Let's Chat: I offer a coffee chat and/or a session customized to your needs.
• ​Nedra Tawwab - Therapist and Expert in Boundaries
• ​Sarah Wahiba Senan - If you are looking for clarity, while setting boundaries.
• ​Jennifer Mallory - Helps remove the junk holding you back so you can show up as your ingenious self.
• ​Leidy Quispe - Licensed therapist who knows quite a bit about this topic. Tune into our podcast episode.​
• ​Mel Robbins - I hear that her "Let Them" book, covers the conversations on setting boundaries and expectations, releasing the fears you have of making the changes you need for your well being and the control others have of you. I haven't read the book, but it's on my to read list.

Whichever actions you decide to take, just note that at the end of the day its about how you are able to grow and choose the path ahead on your own terms. Remember, everyone deserves to be treated with respect and fairness. So find the way to bypass the fears or lack of clarity that is holding you back.

Here is something important to also consider. It can be impossible to strategize how you can control other peoples expectations of you, but you can strategize a response. Here's how:

• Turn on your coping mechanisms: These are those strategies you have been or should be learning along the way. i.e. deep breathing, meditation or journaling just to name a few.
• Reframe your perspective by challenging the negative thoughts, find the lesson learned.
• You can acknowledge that the situation is out of your control, and so instead of focusing on why the situation is taking place focus on what your reaction will be.
• And finally, redirecting your energy from worry to action.

Your to do before my next letter is to go over the tips shared in this email, which are quite a few and find what you think can help you with regards to others expectations and what you can control. Plus note, if try one it doesn't mean you can't try another one. Sometimes we need several ways to approach different situations that we come across.

Before closing this months letter, I would like to share why I am grateful at this very moment. I am grateful for you. I appreciate your continuous support as I share my monthly letters with you. I deeply appreciate the feedback I receive from my readers, whether in person, through email replies, or via messages on social media to share how my letters have touched you or made a positive impact on your day. Thank you again for welcoming me into your space at least once a month. Continue to share your feedback, just click on reply to this email. Thank you.

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Until next month. Click on the photo to tune in to my Inspired by Jacqueline Podcast.​

P.S. While I will not be back until next month, we can meet every week on my podcast or follow my journey via my Instagram's on @JV_NextLevel @LEBJV ​@ClassyJV ​@InspiredbyJacqueline​

P.S.S. Letter Archives: If you have missed the other letters, here's a cool feature I have created for you. The ARCHIVES https://www.catalystbridgeagency.com/monthly-letter-archive​

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Love, Hugs, and Kisses. xoxo

Jacqueline